| boy, this hits home in a past life... |
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| 12:33am 21/11/2006 |
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mood:  giggly music: Say Anything ~ "Admit It"
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Admit it
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
That vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into an antiquated path
It’s disgusting, its offensive don’t stick your nose up at me
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other forever competing for that one moment of self aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh we’re not worthy when you walk by a group of quote unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And it makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar
Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, yeah
Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe that it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety
You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, you’re living a lie (hey) living a lie (hey) your life is living a lie
You don’t impress me (admit it)
You don’t intimidate me (admit it)
Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
And I say yeah what do you
I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, guitar go!
I'm drift drift drift drifting yeah
I'm drift drift drift drifting yeah oh
And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar, my car and my guitar
So you've come to me, made of these, urgent unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I'm dead I'll rest
When I'm I'll rest, I'll lay still
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest |
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| 08:48pm 04/11/2006 |
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mood:  okay
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all i need in life...
i haven't done an internet update in forever...so here goes.
life is wonderful. i have nothing to complain or be unhappy about, with me personally that is.
my job is going great, more than great. i got a raise. well, i got a raise...and then another one a week later :+) we're doing our own billing now, which means i have a shit load more to be responsible about. it's a lot more work, but i'm surprising myself. it's not like i work in an office that i have other people to depend on. it's just me and the doctor. and he trusts me. i don't have to check in with him if i know there's something that needs to get done, i just do it. it's an actual adult job that has thousands of dollars riding on it. more money and more patients are coming in rapidly, and its rewarding to know that i had a lot to do with that.
alabama is done and over with. i don't know how my brain works sometimes. i did like him, i think i can honestly say that...but then things started to move too fast. not even physically....emotionally. i quickly realized that it was going to be way too much of an intense situation for me to be in for soooo many factors. he's a great guy, and i feel like shit for the way i handled everything. this nice guy shows interest, and then the second he starts to have feelings i freak out and go running. i'm not a relationship girl, i know this. i don't have much experience in that area...but it this how it works? when do you know if you like someone, or when you should go for it and see what happens? is me backing off a normal way of knowing that you don't want to be with them?
anyway, i'm single and things are back to normal. the way they should be.
....but....i want a crush, dammit. it's been too long since i've had a 3rd grade crush, where you can't even talk to the person, just admire from afar. i don't want a boyfriend, i just want a crush, k? so the burg better get some new guys around, the pickings are pretty slim.
i got a puppy. i've had her for a while, but i don't think i've said anything about it on here. she's a boston terrier, her name is lucy, she likes to dress up, she's really girlie...when she takes naps she always crosses her paws like a little lady, and she's perfect. can't imagine life without her.
i've been getting a lot of wake up calls recently. not huge one's. maybe i should say i'm noticing things more. i didn't like who i was for a very long time. how i acted, how i thought, what i did. and a lot of that has changed for the good. i have a solid little network of friends that i don't feel i have to put a show on for. friends that don't put show's on for other people. they are who they are, and i can be who i am with them. people that i don't have to babysit, and now i don't have to be babysat anymore. it's a new chapter. and while it took a lot of shit to get here...that what had to happen. i miss a lot of people, i regret a lot of things. but those are things that make you who you will be tomorrow, and thats where my head is at and needs to be right now. |
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| 10:31am 31/07/2006 |
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mood:  chipper music: The Red Jump Suit Apparatus ~ "Face Down"
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wow, how things change...
the past few months have been really amazing. a few days after my birthday i got a job offer. nick (of harlequin hint) dad needed someone to help him in the office for a week or two. he told me right up front that he wanted someone older for the job. but on day two of working he said that he had pre-judged me for my age, and offered me the full time job. the job is great. the money is amazing. lets just say this...i only work between 25-30 hours a week, and i'm still bringing in more than i did working 40+ hours a week at PMSI. i'd love to work more but the office is only open 4 days a week. it's really nice having the weekends off, as well as wendnesdays. and still pull in more money than before.
i got to go to BOTH nascar races at pocono this season.....WHICH WAS AMAZING! i have never had a better time. and it looks like i'll be able to go to watkins glen in two weeks, which is a road course, so i'm super excited about that.
...and i met someone. i'm torn in a lot of ways, confused in a lot of ways. but i'm so happy with him. he's quite a few years older than me, but i think i needed that. there's a bit of distance to consider, but when somethings right...it's right. i wanted to take things very slow, not get too attatched because of all of that. but that didn't happen. he's flying up on the 25th and we're spending the weekend in philly with jen. and i'm flying down there on the 19th of september. so who know's? i don't know if i'm ready for the kind of commitment that this is going to take...but i'm taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.
i guess thats it. so much more to tell but, i actually have work to do! |
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| 11:42pm 30/05/2006 |
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mood:  content music: fall out boy ~ "the music or the misery"
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I got my stitches stitched, I got my fixes fixed
In my aching head, I got my kisses slit
Our gossip lips stuttered every word I said, I said
I got your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back.
It's true romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then in the head
And if you wanna go down in history then I'm your prince
Because they've got me in a bad way I've never seen a heart I couldn't break
It was never about the songs, it was competition.
Make the biggest scene, make the biggest...
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.
I'm casually obsessed and I've forgiven death,
I am indifferent, yet (I am a total wreck)
I'm every cliche, but I simply do it best
And if you wanna go down in history then I'm your prince
Because they've got me in a bad way I've never seen a heart I couldn't break.
It was never about the songs, it was competition,
Make the biggest scene, make the biggest...
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.
(Go!)
I went to sleep a poet, and I woke up a fraud
To calm your nerves I'm feeling for my clothes in the dark.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances. |
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| 09:39pm 25/05/2006 |
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mood: chipper music: Anberlin ~ "Stationary Stationery"
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things are going good....for once.
it's been a very long time since i've been content...happy. and i may not have realized it. but i'm ok now. myspace is gone...and i don't miss it a bit. i have no idea whats going on in old friends lives, and it's actually better. it's a free feeling, not a bitter one. i wish them the best, i really do. but...things are just better this way. i haven't liked who i've been, and now i'm making changes. changes that may seem harsh to some people, but they're necessary in my mind. i have goals that are attainable and aren't outlandish. i feel a whole lot better about where i'm going in life now. realizing that i don't need friends to be happy. realizing that i don't need plans every night, or a boy to talk to to be happy. but i have a select one or two friends and thats great. and i do have a boy to talk to...and even though it's just talking and not seeing...i'm content.
something i wasn't sure what i was going to do with...the shed full of t-shirt equipment in my backyard. but out of no where, some opportunities are rising up. and they are too good to pass up. so now i have a bit of money coming in and it's great. got a few bands lined up. i'm not rushing anything. starting small. see where it goes. i guess we'll see.
things on the job front aren't that great. i'm sorry, but i'm about to be 23 years old (shh!) so i don't want to be working for $5.50 at the mall. but i've sent some resume's out and am hoping for the best.
a few people that i haven't talked to in forever have recently been coming out of the woodwork. some is nice...some should just stay where they are. it's just very weird. people that i never thought i'd see or talk to again for one reason or another have collectively chosen this week to reappear. strange.
going for now....philly bound this weekend which i can't wait for. there are a bunch of birthdays that need celebrating! |
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| sit back sit back relax relapse |
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| 10:23pm 02/05/2006 |
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mood:  tired music: Panic! At The Disco
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you know what i've realized?...
that life is so much easier this way.
that it's better to push people away before they have a chance to push you.
that the above statement also includes family members.
that there isn't much left for me in this area.
that once again, my birthday is fast approaching and i plan on skipping it again this year.
that i'm somehow breathing much easier lately...no friends=no drama. either created by me or them.
that the bars around this town suck...if i didn't like you in high school, there's a pretty high chance i don't want to talk to you now.
that bloody noses freak me out.
and that i'm really tired and want to go to bed..... g'night. |
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| high school's over... |
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| 02:43pm 27/04/2006 |
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mood: amused music: Matchbook Romance ~ "Monsters"
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L - A - S - T
. Last kiss: last good kiss worth mentioning...about 2 weeks ago
. Last Cry: geeze...this morning
. Last Library Book Checked Out: probably stuff for my term paper senior year of hs
. Last Movie Seen In Theater: couldn't tell ya, maybe rent
. Last Book Read: read "how to kill a rockstar" for the third time this past weekend
. Last Cuss Word Uttered: fucking asshole
. Last Beverage Drank: orange juice
. Last Food Consumed?: um um um....mac and cheese yesterday
. Last TV Show Watched: how do i look on the style channel
. Last Time Showered: a bit ago
. Last Shoes Worn: black old navy flip flops
. Last Soda Drank: sprite
: Last thing written: the guys # for the t-shirts for harlequin hint
. Last Words Spoken: talk to you later
. Last Annoyance: lol....life?
. Last Time Scolded Someone: i told my mother she sounded like my grandmother...and she got mad
. Last Web Site Visited: yahoo
B - O - D - Y:
. Piercings: 12ish in ears, eyebrow, and the twins
. Tattoos: music on my lower back, egyptian eye on the back of my neck, shooting star on my right ankle, star with angel wings around my entire left ankle and three stars on top of my left foot
. Height: 5'9"
. Shoe size: 9ish
. Hair color: there's about 4 diff colors in it now..none of which are my natural
L A S T . . .
. Movie you rented: payperviewed "waiting" this morning
. Song you listened to: "paper wings" ~ rise against
. Song that was stuck in your head: theme from cannon in d
. CD you bought: the fray
. Person that's called you: jen
. Person you were thinking of: a boy...
. Friend you made mad: lol...all of them? i think i hit them all in one shot
T R U E O R F A L S E . . .
. You like someone: i may have a slightly continuing thing from someone from the past...that won't exactly stay in the past
. You wish you could live somewhere else: nyc....like 5 mins ago
. You think about suicide: well.....
. You believe in a God: after my grandmother died...it was kinda hard not to believe in something bigger
. You want more Piercings: maybe...kinda running out of sorta safe places
. You drink/have drunk: i've been known to once or twice
. You do/did drugs: true
. You smoke/have smoked: true
. You like cleaning: when i get in the mood
. You like roller coasters: true
. You write in cursive: i kinda write in a combo of cursive and print
F O R *O R * A G A I N S T...
. Long distance relationship: eh
. Teenage smoking: eh
. Driving drunk: nnoooooooooo
. Doing drugs: eh
. Someone uses someone for his or her goodies: seen it far too often...
HAVE YOU EVER..
. Ever cried over the opposite sex: haven't in a while...and thats a good thing
. Ever lied to someone: yes
. Ever been in a fist fight: ah, if only...
. Ever been arrested: nope
RANDOM...
. Who is your best friend: i have no friends...and i kinda like it like that
. Shoes do you wear: i don't think i've worn anything but flip-flops in the past month
. Are you scared of love: love doesn't exsist
. What are your favorite bands? guster, phantom planet, a7x, fata, fob, thrice
NUMBER..
. Of times you have been in love? never, it doesn't exsist
. Of times you have had your heart broken? .5 times
. Of hearts you have broken? none
. Of drugs taken? Counting prescriptions, etc? ha....at least 20
. Of people you consider your enemies? many
. Of scars on your body? two big one's on my leg
. Of things in your past that you regret: so so much
MISC...
. My middle name is: mae
. I was born on: june 1st
. I am a: total bitch
. My cell phone company is: verizon
. My eye color is: hazel
. I am allergic to: sleeping
. I was born in: new jersey
. I live in: the old part of my house
. My bed is: slowly becoming closer to the floor
. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex: is that they are useless
. I am glad I'm my sex because: i like being girlie...sometimes
. My favorite Holiday is: none
. The perfect kiss is: when you end up making out like teenagers
. Last song that made me cry was: ben kweller "falling"
. My most treasured possession(s) is(are): my photo albums
. What did you do last night: watched horrible tv
. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): burnish then tan
:::::Which is Better?:::::
. Hugs or Kisses? hugs if there is emotion behind them
. Drunk or High: high
. Phone or Online: in person
. Red heads or Black hair: if you see jordan...
. Blondes or Brunettes: a bit of a mix
. Hot or cold: cold
. Summer or winter: winter...bring on the snow
. Coffee or tea: earl grey
. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate, def
. Night or Day: late night
. Oranges or Apples: orange juice
. Curly or Straight hair: wavy
:::::Here's What I Think About:::::
. Abortion: absolutely pro-choice
. Backstabbers: fuckers
. Parents: are becoming further and further away
. School: is something i need to go back to
::::Last time I:::
. Yelled at someone: about a week ago
. Last time I hugged someone: can't even remember
. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while: um....
. Grew: my ass
::::MISC::::
. Who's the ditziest person I know: sara probably, god love her
. One thing I'm mad about right now is: the state of my life
. The thing I don't understand is: how i ended up how i am
. The most unsatisfactory answer: maybe later
. The one thing I love about the opposite sex is: not a damn thing
. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: the safe-ness
. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: growing up...finally
. Tomorrow: maybe babysitting
. Today: work on ordering t-shirts
. Next Week: nothing
. People call me: a bitch
. person who knows the most about me is: no one...i don't even know me, how could anyone else?
. person that can read me the best is: abby, she always knew when i was upset
. The most difficult thing to do is: say sorry
. I have gotten a speeding ticket: 2, or 3....ok like 4 times
. My zodiac sign is: gemini....split personalities much?
. The first person I thought I was in love with was: love? never. actual feelings for? dan.
. The one person who can't hide things from me: no one
. Right now I am talking to: no one
. I have/will get a job at: in nyc with a label
. I hope: that my life suddenly turns around
. The person that makes me cry the most is: ex-friends
. My boy/girlfriend: is currently non existent
. My favorite sport is: NASCAR!
. The school I go to is: also non existent
. My worst drinking experience was: 21st
. The all-time best thing in the world is: warm covers and cool nights |
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| 01:28am 30/01/2006 |
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mood:  bored music: my dog's lovely snoring
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and so it starts again...
got a phone call saturday night...from someone who i truly never thought i would hear from again.
and i being dumb, went to meet up. and it was nice. and we talked. and then i left. and know i don't know if i should have gone or not.
i hate boys. |
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| 08:01pm 25/01/2006 |
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mood:  hopeful music: Ben Kweller ~ "In Other Words"
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Another night slips away.
In other words I should say
there are no words he should say
There are no words
In his eyes I see the fear
that only time can disappear
If only time could reappear
Now's the time
Something to take it away
To take it away... To take it
Don't let it stay
Don't let it stay... Don't let it
The butterflies are passive/aggressive
and put their problems on the shelf
but they're beautiful
And he'll realize the only thing that's real
are the kids that kid themselves
and the demise of the beautiful... What is beautiful?
The multi-life is better than
the one we're in, the one we knew
'Cause everyone is seeing through
everyone
They're stepping on his gold terrain.
He's moving on with bold refrain
His blatantly old campaign
Is moving on
Something to take it away
To take it away... To take it
Don't let it stay
Don't let it stay... Don't let it
The butterflies are passive/aggressive
and put their problems on the shelf
but they're so beautiful
He'll realize the only thing that's real
are the kids that kid themselves, and the demise
of the beautiful... What is beautiful?
What can't stay goes away
What can't stay goes away
It starts stopping when it stops stopping... |
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| 03:38pm 20/01/2006 |
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mood: chipper music: Guster ~ "Backyard"
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so...it's january, right?!
the current weather is def putting me in better spirits. as much as i love the snow, this almost spring thing thats happening outside is lovely.
yesterday was a complete and total BLAST. didn't get on the road as early as i had hoped, but when do i ever. made it down to philly by 3 and hit the franklin institute. i felt like a kid for two solid hours and it was great. the last time i was there i was in 1st grade, and had just gotten my cast off my wrist. my mother went with my class and wouldn't let me do a damn thing because she was afraid i would hurt it again. and if you know me the least bit you know i remember these stupid trivial things. so anyway...there's this pulley thing set up with ropes with different weights. and i pulled it, and satisfied my grudge from 1st grade. AND made sure to call my mother right after to let her know i finally did it. i'm a dork. but i haven't had that much fun in i don't know how long.
got kicked out promptly at 5pm so we headed to south street to eat. walked around a bunch, my ankle swelled up, found jesse's dream store that he can shop in when he becomes a real rock star, got my grey belt i've wanted since october, the click five was playing at the tla so we got to laugh at all the pre-teen girls running around with no coats, and just had a ball.
was so dead tired once we went back to jen's apt to get the rocker. thank god jesse was fine with driving home. listened to dane cook the whole way. played a game of scrabble at the apt then drove home trying to stay awake.
the past couple of weeks haven't been the best. with friends departing for good, even though i have no clue as to why...and just being in a rut in general...i needed yesterday and the company of jesse and chelsea. it was good to know that i'm still appreciated even with all the dumb shit thats gone on. another mini-road trip like that needs to happen again. |
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| hate's a strong word |
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| 03:26pm 12/01/2006 |
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mood:  frustrated music: The Movielife ~ "Jamestown"
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yet it seems so fitting right about now...
i hate that my ankle is still swollen. that i can't bend down without shooting pain up my entire leg. i think i might sue pizza hut.
i hate that i don't have a job, and that i feel like i signed my soul away to erg that includes promises to no personal calls durring the day and drug testing. which scares me because i've been popping the rest of my pain pills at night because of said ankle. and yeah, maybe to help me sleep too.
i hate that people are so god damn fake and self absorbed. i don't want to hear about your life anymore. i'm sick of caring. i want to bitch about my problems and have the very very few friends i have left listen, and thats it. i don't care who you're dating, who you aren't dating, who you're fucking or would like to be fucking. it's trivial and DUMB. i'm sick of telling people what they want to hear, and what the already know anyway. and for all this stupid dumb shit to STILL BE GOING ON.
i hate that now all of a sudden i'm a puker. 2 out of the last 3 times i've drank i've completely gotten sick. and while yes this was over like the last month, when the hell did it happen? i was never like this. go fuck yourself drinking and puking.
i hate that i know i shouldn't be doing what i'm doing. and especially wrong with who i did it with. and yet i don't stop. karma is a bitch, and i'm pretty sure i'm about to get slapped in the face.
moving on....
chelsea said somthing to me the other night and it really stuck. things are always better in the end, and if it's not better...it's not the end. i totally agree. this year was pretty mundane. nothing totally horrible, and nothing totally great....so here's a look at 2005...
bts came to town. had fun. fought with pointless "friends". boys left for tour. was actually nice not having them around. got horribly sick. moved the rest of my stuff out of philly by myself. bitterweet momment. went to baltimore. had a blast. got a job at PMSI again. totally sucked my ass in more way than one. stopped talking to one of my best friends. got ignored on my birthday by pretty much everyone, spent entire day crying. went to atlantic city and won $13,500. gotti boys sang happy birthday to me. only left ac with a few grand, ended trip by telling my grandfather to go fuck himself. haven't talked to him since. went to live 8. amazing once in a life time day. bonded with jen's mom and found out she smokes and drinks as much as me. got a new car. cried when i left the buick for the last time. went to rehoboth and warped tour. learned to never go to a show like that with a group of girls that mostly don't like that type of music or crowd. also learned that it's not a good idea to get into a bikecab at the beach when you are piss ass drunk when a foriegn guy is driving. got into small fender-bender on day two of owning new car. threw my dad a surprise 50th birthday party 3 months early. pulled it off. ended friendship with "friend", realized i should have done it long before. went to nintendo fusion tour with justin. had three fabulous days in philly. wish i could remember more of it. went to jen's halloween party. drunk dialed my mother. was in exactly one picture and passed out by 1am. made up with one of my best friends and went right back to how it was in may when we stopped talking. realized i'm dumb and stubborn. saw A7X in philly, life changed. thanksgiving felt like any other day. saw jen graduate, got kinda teary-eyed. threw "cocktail" party which turned into shots of soco being taken from a ladel, a pretzel fight, my front lawn being litterd by wine cooler bottles, people drinking out of flower vases, and me acting like a drunk slut. christmas...sucked it up and went to my aunts house. got ignored, didn't even get a christmas card from my asshole grandparents. new years was fun and uneventful, except for the fact that i made friends with a perkins toliet. it seems to be a pattern that i welcome the new year throwing up what i just drank.
and so it is now 2006. here's to another shitty year that i hopefully make it to the end of. |
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| 06:42am 04/12/2005 |
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mood:  restless music: avenged
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| Your Birthdate: June 1 | 
You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet.
You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily.
Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail.
You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details.
Your strength: Your supreme genius
Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity
Your power color: Gold
Your power symbol: Star
Your power month: January |
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| 02:24am 20/11/2005 |
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mood:  dirty music: ashlee simpson ~ "boyfriend"
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Fun Cell Survey! Fill out and post for others to do the same!
1. What is your current ringtone?
it's a random one that came with the phone, kinda sounds like something from save the last dance
2. What is your current wallpaper?
changes...a pretty mountain scene and like an affrican scene
3. Do you own a picture phone?
nope
4. If so, what was the last picture you took?
...
5. Go to your text message inbox and type what the 10th message says...?
nice family only? (x2 and brian were talking)
6. How many contacts do you have on your phone?
156
7. Go to your missed calls. Who was your last missed call from?
Jen Cell
8. Who was the last person you talked to?
x2
9. What service do you have?
verizon
10. At this very moment, how many bars do you have for your service, & battery?
full service full battery
12. Do you have voicemail?
yup
13. What does your voicmail message say to callers?
leave a great messsage!
14. How many contacts that start with the letter D do you have?
14
15. Who do you call the most?
mom and dad, they boys, jen
16. How many text messages do you get a month?
500
17. Can you send pictures?
nope
18. What are the last 4 digits to your number?
0509
19. Go to your sent texts, what does the eighth one say?
yes amys bday (again, x2 and brian talking)
20. What about the 15th?
sucks
21. Who's the last person that called you?
jesse
22. Last person that texted you?
brian
23. Last person you added to your contacts?
mom cell actually, i never had it in there
24. How many minutes are on your plan?
a bunch, i honestly don't know
25. Do you like your phone?
yup yup, it's pretty and new and can apparently attack people
Tell me the first thing that pops up in your head to all the words below. Remember the first thing...repost with your own answers. Ok, here we go...
1. Money - sucks
2. Sex - whats that?
3. Relationships - no use for 'em
4. Your Last Ex - lets not go there
5. Power - i need a little bit more
6. Marijuana - philly
7. Crack - my grandfather calling and asking if i new what it went for now a days
8. Chinese - spectacular meal before the avenged show
9. The President - don't even get me started...
10. War - again, no use for it
11. Cars - i like my new one, even though my back seat sucks...and thats not meant to be dirty!
12. Gas Prices - finally a lil better
13. Oral Sex - noooooo comment
14. Politics - wish i knew more
15. Religion - don't believe in organized religion
16. Plastic Surgery - if i had the money...
17. Myspace - addictive
18. Worst Fear - bats! but not death bats, they're ok
19. Marriage - never
20. music - major part of my every day |
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| 11:28pm 25/09/2005 |
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mood:  drained music: From Autumn To Ashes ~ "Abandon Your Friends"
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this is what i did on my summer (non) vacation:
i finally got a new car. not new new, but way better than the piece of shit i was riding in before. it's an adorable greenish blue nissan altima. and i love it. but i still cried when the buick went off to heaven (aka the junk yard). as scott put it "who the hell would want to buy that rolling death trap??"
i went to the beach. i met an irish boy who i have yet to e-mail because i am dumb yet realistic. i got closer with people, got pissed at people. then came home and got pissed at the people i became closer with. and now those people are being shady with everyone else and i can't help but think i had a major part in that. but life goes on. you did the shitty thing, not me.
this summer i lost by best friend. and then realized that he wasn't my best friend. and now i can't stand the sight of him.
i got ignored on my birthday which was completely awesome. one phone call and one text message. and while those meant the world to me....i still spent that day crying by myself and going to bed early.
i went to live 8, and had chills the entire day. and i semi-met damien fahey from mtv. by semi i mean he talked to everyone around me and i lost my ability to speak.
this summer i put myself out there...i tried to be the best friend i could be. and it smacked me in the face. i try to do so much, and when i get no appreciation in return...i flip, and am not such a great friend in return. which isn't fair either way. and i'm sick of that cycle. i'm sick of expecting too much. and i'm sick of getting nothing in return. so i ended it. i hate saying it...but those people weren't very good friends to me. i'm no angel...but i deserve better. and i found better.
justin came home from college. and it's been a blast. it's outstanding to have him back. i think we're finally both at the same spot in life where we can be the best of friends and not fight all the time. even though we really haven't kept in touch the past few years, i missed him. and it's been nice to have him around and for everyone to be able to hang out. we're going to see fall out boy in philly which i absolutly can't wait for. we're staying with jen...so these next two weeks need to fly by, please.
i hate my fucking job. they secretly want to fire me, but are trying to get me to quit instead. but apparently thats how pocono management works. they never tell you if you do something right, but will tear you a new ass if you mess up. and you get in trouble if you do to much or work to fast. yeah, ok. i've been sending out resumes (with their fax machine) but haven't heard anything yet. i need to get out of there. and when the day does come that i leave that shit hole for good, my middle fingers will be raised high and a huge smile will be on my face.
so thats it, i guess. see yah in another few months. |
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| MmmHmm |
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| 04:40pm 20/06/2005 |
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mood: frustrated music: Relient K ~ "Which To Bury; Us Or The Hatchet"
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I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget
and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened
And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far
Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault
I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that
and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)
what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't... |
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| 09:11pm 30/05/2005 |
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mood: giddy music: fall out boy
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i'm so proud of it, i had to show. it's my baby.
this is my pretty new birthday present to myself coach bag :+) |
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| 06:11pm 23/05/2005 |
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mood:  rejected music: driving east
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as hard as the past few weeks have been, i'm kinda getting used to it. i don't go out anymore. i don't hang out anymore. i don't even talk to anyone anymore. and thats fine. if people don't care to keep in touch with me, then i'm not going to try anymore.
in the past two weeks i realized someone i considered a friend, completely hates me. someone that was one of my best friends for years...is a completely different person who has their head up their boyfriends ass. and pretty much eveyone else that i hung out with on a regular basis just tolerated me, or i was a good way to pass the time until something (or someone) better came along. and thats fine. really.
i'm actually considering getting a second job. i have more than enough free time. i don't do anything else anyway. i go to work, i go home, i go to bed, i go to work again. i might as well make some more money instead of sitting around all night.
going to philly this weekend. i need it. there were a few other people that i guess were thinking about going down with me, but (surprise surprise) thats not happening. i'm not shocked. people have other lives now.
and just to make this all the more better...my birthday is next week. i can't fucking wait. i have to work, then i have a date with myself to go to the movies. and then i'll probably go to bed early for lack of anything else to do. whatever, i don't want a 22nd anyway. |
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| 04:57pm 12/04/2005 |
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i just yelled at the next door kids because they had the music blarring, and it was interupting my mid-afternoon nap. i could litterally feel the bass vibrations in my room. and i was pissed.
and now i feel really fucking old. |
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| FINE |
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| 04:48am 09/04/2005 |
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mood:  enraged
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i'm sick of all this fucking shit. he said, she said bullshit. i don't care.
i'm pulling myself out of this "group". don't call me, don't text me, don't im me. i want nothing to do with any of it.
i'm aggravated. i'm pissed off. i've had the worst day ever. i'm sick of shady people. i'm sick of two faced people. i'm sick of BLIND people. so i'm done. my days and night will now be spent with myself because i don't care to be a part of this bullshit anymore. i'm DONE.
*edited*
and seriously...don't even comment to this. there is no one left that i trust. or that i really feel is a true friend of mine. i'm to the point where i am so emotionally drained of carring. of trying to be someone for everyone. of being completely used and talked down upon. no one know's me....even if they would like to think that they do. and i guess i don't really know anyone else for that matter. so farewell...it was fun while it lasted. but i just can't do it anymore. |
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jaimisons's journal